I should be sleepin' 'stead of keepin these late hours I've been keepin'

So here goes nothing.
I have been reading my old writings, both on this site and the stuff that I have from awhile ago.
And during this time I have perhaps realized something extremely important.
I know what I want to do with my life.
I want to be a writer.
I have been writing for years, for the sole basis of writing out my feelings.
Lately however I have come to realize I am actually a good writer.
Maybe its the lack of sleep, but I seriously believe I am a good writer.
And people have been telling me this for years.
I just took it as a joke and laughed it off.
Anyway I figured I should share is exciting news with everyone :)
Night, Dani <3

Remaking myself lol

Soooo..
News in my life.
I am getting rid of my craptastical friends.
I have finally hit the last straw.
I cant do it anymore. I'm sick of people making me feel like crap when my life doesnt revolve around them. SO..some of them have been told, others will be told over the week.
I'm reinventing myself and some of you wont make the cut.

<3 Dani

It's a blah kinda day...

So today there has been a lot of crying today.
Some fighting.
And a lot of music listening.
Plus some actual school work.
Meetings, classes and sleep.
Now I'm just chillin in my basement.
And I decided I needed to write.
That is all.

Dani is out!

It's been a while..

It has most definitely been awhile since I posted on here.
Well I'm back, and I guess I'll update you non readers on my life.
I am now 21. Yup that's right. 21!!
I almost got the guy of my dreams, then he went and got himself engaged.
I shattered my wrist on a bike ride. Ended up with 2 surgeries, a cast and lots of pain medication.
I got put on academic propabtion at school.
I'm looking to move out of London next year.
And I still work at Mcds.
So here's the deal. I think I'm going to use this blog for poems and stories. Of course there will still be updates on my life, but no more wasted space with icons and Lyrics.

For now I'm up and outta here!!

Dani <3

GRRR

Ok so last time I was confused. Now I'm just pissed off. Get ready people because I'm gonna vent a little bit. So the boy who supposedly liked me then didn't like then wanted to be friends then didn't want to be friends has now made up his mind. He doesn't like me, wants to get over him and is willing to do whatever it takes to make my life miserable. So as it stands I am without my male best friend for the time being. It's not that he doesn't like me that bugs me. Seriously, I'm ok with that part, as I wasn't sure I could date him due to our close friendship. It's the fact that for TWO YEARS this guy has liked me then hasn't then got mad because I was dating someone. For TWO YEARS I fought with him, was friends with him, apologized for things I don't think I should've apologized for all because he has been the ONLY one to understand me through everything. He dragged me along making, dropping all the hints to make me think he liked me, just to turn and around and talk about some other girl with me. And me being the person I am, sat back and listened, gave him advice and tried to do EVERYTHING in my power to make him happy. I put myself through hell, made myself miserable to make him happy. I bent over backwards as to not say something that would make him mad. And when he was mad, he blamed it on me most of the time, so I did everything in my power to make everything alright again. If he didn't want to talk to me, I left him alone. If he wanted to vent to someone, I was there for him to yell at, get mad at. I DID EVERYTHING. He was my best friend.I stood by as my other friends told me to give up, that he wasn't worth my time. That I deserved better both for a friend and for someone who I could date. I cried every other day at least because I was fighting with him. I got mad because I didn't want to talk about other girls with him anymore. He wouldn't listen to me when I gave him advice, so why the hell should I put the effort into helping him. He was stubborn as hell and I hated him for it. He argued everything with me, down to my favourite colour, or what I should say to a guy.I tried everything in my power to get over him, and thought I succeeded every time until me and himstarted getting close.Even after all of this crap almost everyday, I still considered him my best friend. And I think it's time that I let my friends know why.In my first year of university I went through six weeks of hell. On September 28th, 2004 my papa passed away. Exactly two weeks later a classmate of mine took her own life because she couldn't handle it anymore. Two weeks after that, I was forced to put my puppy down due to old age. I had never had to really deal with death. Like I knew people who had died, but until that year, I hadn't had to deal with people close to me dying. It sent my into a downward spiral, that I hid pretty well. Around everyone I could put on a smile and pretend my world wasn't crashing down. Add to that the fact that I was in my first year of university, with people I didn't know, in classes that were harder then any I had ever taken. I had to deal with the reality of going from having an 87% average to having a 60% average. It was not a good year for me at all. In fact, it caused me to do something things I am not proud of to this day.This is hard for me as there are only two people in my life that know about these things, one of them being the best friend, but here goes nothing. In November of 2004, I started cutting myself. The cuts were never deep, but allowed just enough pain for me to feel better. I continued that for a year, always in a different spot, never deep enough to scar. When people asked me about them, I told them I had scratched too hard.The second thing I am not proud of happened in March of 2005 I believe, right before exams. I had the worst day possible, and I was ready to give up. I had the knife beside me, and the house to myself. I was just saying my goodbyes to my friends online (they didn't know I meant forever) when my best friend's name popped up. He sent me a message and didn't want to answer, but something in me made me answer him. The next thing I knew I was crying and telling him I didn't want to live. That nothing in my life was worth anything I had gone through, and listened to me. We talked for what seemed like hours, and probably was, and I cried. He offered to come over and hang out with me for a little bit, I told him no I was ok. He made a point of coming online later that night to make sure I was still ok. I still remember the one line that made me change my mind. In the state I was in, I felt like no one would miss me, that no one would care if I did it. He said to me that he would care. That he would miss me, and that he needed me in his life. For once in that year, I felt like I could go on.That is the day he became my best friend. It was from there that things changed and we became closer.Now I can't have him in my life. Now he is the one that reminds me of the past, not the future, and everytime I think of the past. And when I think of the past I can't help but cry because I had never let myself get to that point before. I had always been kind of sad most of the time, but I had never let it get that far. It makes me mad to know I let myself get that bad, and he reminds me of that.I can say right now that I am genuinely happy with everything. I love my life, love school, and I know that people die for a reason. I have renewed my belief in God, and that has helped me a lot. But I can't keep him in my life. Because with for once in my life, I am starting to see what my other friends see. He treats me life crap every other week. Makes my life hell. When it's good, it's fine, but I can't do the fighting anymore. And no matter what we do, we cannot stop that fighting. Anyway, I'm sorry if any of that scared you guys, I really am. But I have been holding that in for a long time, and needed to get it all out.Also, if you've read my poems, most of those were written during this time I just talked about, and I no long think like that anymore.So I'm going to miss my best friend, but I'm sick of feeling like crap when he won't talk to me.

Poems...Finally :D

Ok people, here's what I promised. Some of my poems, basically only the ones which I have typed up and saved on my computer.
I warn you, if you have strong views on suicide or sad topics, I would strongly advise you not to read these :)

Here goes nothing, and please please please do not take these as they are my words and I would prefer it if you could not take my words and thoughts and claim them as your own. Thank you and here they are :)

This poem was written for my mom for her birthday :)

RAIN


ALL AROUND YOU,
YOU HEAR,
DRIP,
DROP,
DRIP,
DROP,
YOUR LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW,
AND SEE THE RAIN,
YOU’VE LOVED TO WATCH THE RAIN,
EVER SINCE YOU WERE LITTLE,
AND IT’S ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR MOM,
YOU REMEMBER WHEN YOU USE TO,
USE TO WATCH IT TOGETHER,
YOU THINK,
THEN YOU GET UP,
GOTO THE KITCHEN,
AND WATCH THE RAIN WITH YOUR MOM.



AN ORIGINAL POEM BY
DANIELLE KNIGHT


Now into the disturbing poems, i apologize sincerely.

A lot of these poems do not have titles, so if you want to give me any ideas I will gladly take them :)

All around me
I hear people talking
About how they
Never want to leave.

I see under the surface
And find the real truth.

They want to leave
As soon as possible
And will take their own life
If it means
Getting out of here.

I wish I could do something
To make them stop
Thinking about the bad times
And focus on the good.

But I can do nothing
But sit here and wait
And hope on their own
They’ll do this.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I wish
I could take away
All the pain
That other people felt.

Sometimes I wish
That I could
Help all those
People in need.

Sometimes I wish
I could stop wars,
And fighting,
And all the bad stuff
That happens
And make the world
A better place.

But most of all I wish
There was someone out there
Who was willing to help
Me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I watch as day turns to night
And twenty-four hours of my life
Gets wasted.

There’s no point to me being here
Other then making people think
“At least I don’t have it that bad.”

As I watch day by day of my life
Pass me by, I wonder
Where everyone has gone.

I used to have all the friends
In the world,
But lately they’ve all disappeared.

When I started talking
About ending my life
They told me I was crazy and walked away.

Now no one is around
So when I end my life tonight
No one will be there to care.

No one will shed a tear
No one will be shocked
They’ll just shake their heads
And walk away
Just like they did
When they could’ve helped me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I’m told I do this for attention
But I can think of better ways
To get attention
If that’s what I wanted.

The attempts on my life
Are not for attention
But because I want to die.

I haven’t succeeded
Because I’m scared of dying
But soon I will succeed.

And I’ll die knowing
That when people find out they’ll think
I did it all for attention.

But I’ll know the truth.
My life was hell
And there was no point
Going any longer.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new born baby cries
A bird spreads it’s wings
For the very first time.

My mother celebrates
Her 50th birthday
My sister attends
Her first day of high school.

My Nana has a heart attack
But makes it through
My dog is put down.

My dad cries himself
To sleep
Visiting my room often.

He cries because I am dead
And will never experience
These parts of life.

They haven’t cleaned out my room yet
Everything is still in its place
Like they’re waiting for me to come home.

They still can’t believe
That their oldest born
Took her own life.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The mood here
Is grey and eerie.

I watch as they lower
The casket
Into the ground.

It’s hard to believe
Just three days ago
It happened.

I was sitting at home
Waiting for my parents
When the phone rang.

It was my mother.
She was crying really hard
And I didn’t make out any words

Until ‘your father’s dead’
Came through
The phone line.

I was shocked
I couldn’t move
I couldn’t even cry.

I managed to get
‘How?’ out
before the tears started flowing.

He’d been driving home
And he was turning
When a car ran a red light.

The driver’s side
Had been hit really hard
But he was still alive.

The paramedics got him to the hospital
As fast as they could
But he was already dead.

I dropped the phone
And ran up to his room
And curled up on his bed.

I cried for hours
Until finally drifting asleep
From exhaustion.

I watch the casket
Get lowered into the ground
And can only shed one tear.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I saw the rainbows today
Something I haven’t seen for a while
But just as soon as I saw them
I watched them fade away

My mood again was sad
I didn’t know how to change it
I thought for once I’d be happy
Then I starting talking to you

You brought back everything
I hate about myself
And with those thoughts
Came everything I hate about you

I’ve become dependent
Can’t do anything without you
I hate it
Wish I could stop it
But I can’t

You’re always there
No matter what I do
Even when I’m not talking to you
You enter my thoughts

You wouldn’t have ended everything this way
You would’ve done it right
You would’ve succeed
And for that I hate you

I’ll never succeed
And for that thought
I take up the knife
And push it against my throat

The blood runs down my neck
And knowing you’ll find me
I close my eyes
And leave this world
Forever
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There’s This Guy

When you look at him
Your heart skips a beat
He opens his mouth
And talks to you
And all you can do
Is sit and stare

You can’t find words
When you talk face to face
But when hiding
Behind a computer screen
Words come to you in vast quantities

You can tell him everything
When he can’t see you
But when it’s just you and him
You’re a bundle
Of nerves

You don’t want to look stupid
Or needy
Or desperate
You want to be you
But you can’t

One day though
He breaks your heart
When he starts the conversation with
‘So there’s this girl’
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once Friends, Always Friends

I’ve learned something
And that is this
When you like someone
Don’t become friends with them

The chances of dating someone
That has become your friend
Is very, very slim

The chances of liking a friend
And not getting hurt
Is very, very slim

And although the odds
May be the same
With a stranger
At least you won’t lose a friend

So don’t become friends
With the person you
Want to date
Because you will be hurt much worse
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Perfect Guy

My perfect guy
Has to put up
With my imperfections
My perfect guy
Has to have
A perfect smile
My perfect guy
Has to be willing to wait
As the nerves disappear
My perfect guy
Has to like my friends
My perfect guy
Has to laugh
And joke around
My perfect guy
Has to be able
To come to me with anything
My perfect guy
Has to realize
I have a lot on my plate right now
But most of all
My perfect guy
Has to realize
I’m not changing who I am
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Darkness

Darkness falls
As I hear those words
‘I just want to be friends’

Time stops
As I try to figure out
Where I went wrong

Everything seemed great
We talked all the time
I couldn’t understand it

We had fun together
And he knew everything about me
But still the words came

At the time I was angry
Because I couldn’t understand
Where this all had come from

Then I was upset
Because I put so much into it
And now it was gone

Now I’m still confused
I don’t think that’ll go away
Anytime soon

But at least today
I understand
Where the words came from
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Strangers

We think we know a lot
About how we each feel
But the reality is
That although it’s been four months
We’re still strangers

We have our different views
On everything we talk about
And although we listen
To one another
Nothing really goes through

We talk about a lot of things
Mostly concerning me
And when it comes down to you
Silence is all that is heard

We are strangers to one another
Because as we talk
We only talk of the present
We’ll never know each other’s past
And for that we are strangers
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
September 21st 2005

I can’t sleep again
Thoughts flood through my mind
Every time I close my eyes

Most of these thoughts
Are about ending it all
Right now, at this very moment

No one would miss me
No one would even care
It’s not like I’m living my life anyway

I could do it right now
With this knife in my hand
Or walk across to the bathroom

I’ve got to decide soon though
My dad will be home any minute
I decide on the knife

I lock my bedroom door
And take time to write a brief note
‘Be happy. I’m gone is’ is all it says

I put the note down
And take up the knife
Placing it against my wrist, I cry

I didn’t want things to end
Quite like this
But my mind is made up

I drag the knife slowly
Across my wrist
Smiling at the pain

As I move to the second wrist
The knife drops
When I hear my phone ring

I grab at the phone
Pressing the talk button
‘Hello?’ I manage to get out

I hear your voice
And really start to cry
‘I’m dying’ I say

I take up the knife again
But fade into black
Hearing you crying over the phone
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Left Out In the Cold

There was a time
When I could look
Into your beautiful eyes
And knew what you were thinking

Lately though
I look into those same eyes
And see a blank stare

I see nothing but darkness
Like there’s nothing on your mind

Then again
Maybe it’s you
Just not letting me in

Maybe it’s your way
Of telling me
That we’re done and through

Of maybe it’s just me
Not allowing myself
Into your thought
For fear of being hurt
Again
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beautiful Disaster

The there really such a thing
As a beautiful disaster?

I used think no
Then you entered my life

You turned everything upside down
And destroyed my way of thinking
You made me question
Everything I did

You made me realize
Life is better
When you’re not afraid
To take risks

You destroyed the way I lived
By teaching me how to live
In a different way

That is why
Without a doubt
You are my
Beautiful Disaster
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Impossible Situation

You find yourself
In this situation
That is impossible
To get out of

You see,
You like this guy
But to him
Your just a friend

You wish you both
Could be more then friends
But he just doesn’t see you
That way

To him
You’ll always be
The friend
You’ll never
Be the everything

But be careful
With that thought
Because maybe to him
Being his friend
Is everything
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Every once in a while
I wish I didn’t
Feel the way I do

Every once in a while
I wish you
Felt the same as me

Mostly though
I like the way
Things are

Mostly though
I’m happy
Nothing’s changed

But every once in awhile
I wish that
I could be with you
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Only Truth Is You

Since you’ve entered my life
I’m not sure about anything

I have no idea if what I’m doing
Is the right thing to do
And for once I don’t care

For once in my life
I don’t care
What the answers are

And it’s all because
You entered my life

So I guess all that’s left to say
Is thank you
For disturbing the normalness
Of my life
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I Live

I live to please
I live to help
I live to work
I live to be worked
I live for school
I live for the past
I live for the present
I live for the future
I live for the earth
I live for day
I live for night
Maybe one day
I’ll live for me
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whispers

All I hear is whispers
as I run the glass
across my wrist.

I feel no pain
and as if
nothing could destroy me.

I glance down
to see the blood
dripping
off
my
wrist
forming a puddle on the floor.

I feel happy
as darkness overcomes me
and I leave behind the hurt.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That Chair

That chair
you know the one.
the one that
your dad sat in every night
before sending you
off to bed.

That bed
you know the one.
The one you cried in
the day your dad left.
The one that you spent hours in
never wanting to leave.

That chair
you know the one.
The one that you kept
for years after
your dad left the day
making you cry in that bed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Place

The shadows of the trees
look like people.
You know you shouldn’t
be here alone
but you needed time
to think
so you came here.
It’s so peaceful here
away from all the noise
you know this is your spot.
The spot to deal with problems
that arise during the day.
Little do you know
you’ll never be back
after this night.
You’ll be attacked
by a man
who think you’re someone else.
He will stab you
exactly 7 times
before he notices who you are.
He will then flee
leaving you to die.
The next day
a man will find you.
The police will then come
and take you away.
Your parents will be informed
and you will be buried
never getting to see your spot again.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I pound my head against the pavement
Hoping to understand the words you threw at me
But all I end up with
Is a bloody mess.

I sit in my room crying
Hoping that I’ll wake up
Hoping that it never happened
But it turns out it was all true

I talk to you
Wanting to pretend you never said it
Trying to pretend that you
Didn’t put hope into my heart.

But in the end I look around
And what I see is my best friend
Who has developed feelings for me
And I only see myself as a name on a list.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I waited for you for a while
But you never came
You always wanted to be friends
And then yesterday you changed everything
You made feelings I haven’t felt for months
Come flooding back to me
You made these feelings consume my mind
Until all I saw was you
And it scares me to think
That after everything we’ve been through
I’m still willing to open myself up
To take a chance
And let you like me back
If you were speaking the truth
To actually let there be an ‘us’ in the future
If that is actually what you want.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for being my friend

You said you’re tired of being a jerk
But the truth is you’re creeping me out.
It’s just weird for you to be so nice
I have grown use to our fights.
I must say though
This new friendship we have
Sounds like a fun adventure.
I’ve never had a friend like you
Who sticks by me through all the fights.
Who no matter what I do
Comes back to me and gives me another chance.
I’ve never met a person like you
Who doesn’t just use me for something.
Who actually wants to treat me nice
And when things get tough
Sticks by me through everything.
I’ve never met someone
Who challenges me the way you do.
And someone who asks me for advice
Because they’re genuinely interested in what I think.
I’ve never met someone
Who calls me cutie, or hun
And enjoys waking me up at 6:30 am.
I have also never enjoyed being woken up at 6:30 am
As much as I do by you.
I guess the point of this long winded poem
Pointing out all the good qualities I see in you
(And there’s many more believe me)
Is to tell you how lucky I am
To have met you two years ago.
How lucky it is to find someone
Who you have some much in common with
And who goes out of their way to make you feel special.
I’ve never had a friend
Where I cared about everything I said to someone
Because they never cared about me.
So I still have the rose,
I still have the poem,
I still have your friendship
And I hope that never ends.
Thank you for being the best friend
You could ever possibly be,
I hope this never ends
And it only gets better from here.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I found the boy who makes me smile
The one who melts my heart
The one who with a single smile
Makes me forget the world.

I found the boy you makes life hard
The one who makes me cry
The one who still is always there
The one I call my friend

I found a boy who knows me well
The one to whom I owe my change
He helped me grow out of my shell
He stood by me all the way

I call this boy my best friend
I owe him my whole life
I’ll stand by him every day
Until we grow apart.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is this boy
Who has my heart
But doesn’t even know.
Every day he breaks it more
And I look the other way.
He’ll never know what I feel for him
He’ll never know what he does
He’ll just never know.
He’ll always come to me for help
I’ll always help him out
He’ll always talk to me
When things seem unreal.
I’ll always be his listener
I’ll always be his friend
I’ll always be standing here
Until the very end.
But he will never know my pain
He will never know
That the one boy I can’t live without
Will one day shatter my heart and soul.
I will just stand by and be his friend
And watch him date
And listen to his stories
And smile like I know how
But since he’ll never know
I’ll never say out loud
That the reason he will break my heart
Is because I love him so.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a boy
To whom I owe my life
Who without him in my life
I probably would have made
The biggest mistake
Anyone could ever make
Without him in my life
I may not be here still
I may have taken my life
One day last year
Instead he became my saviour
He became my best friend.




Ok people there is only a chunk of the poems that I have written. Again I apologize if you read these and are disturbed.

Up and outta here my peeps.

<3>

Ok so I know I said just over a month ago that I would start writing again. Well here's the problem. I was working and then I started school and I've been crazy busy.
But I'm here now and that is all that counts :D
So what has happened in my life you ask?
Well let me answer that with a big fat NOTHING!!
I have honestly talked to the same person everyday and well, let's just say I can't wait until tonight.
I will finally be doing outside of my house other then inside of my house. AKA go on the internet and talk to the same person that I have been talking to for probably close to 7 months.
Love life you ask?
Well there is still no love life but I don't care. I mean honestly there can't be anything good about having a relationship right msmack in the middle of your university career.
I'd rather deal with all this crap alone :)
Well by alone I obviously mean with my friends.
Which leads me to tell you all that one of my best friends and I are not what would be referred to as good speaking terms.
Oh well not much you can do about it and not much I can do about it as I definitely do not want to deal with any of this crap any more :D

Well dedicated readers, I'm up and outta here :D