GRRR

Ok so last time I was confused. Now I'm just pissed off. Get ready people because I'm gonna vent a little bit. So the boy who supposedly liked me then didn't like then wanted to be friends then didn't want to be friends has now made up his mind. He doesn't like me, wants to get over him and is willing to do whatever it takes to make my life miserable. So as it stands I am without my male best friend for the time being. It's not that he doesn't like me that bugs me. Seriously, I'm ok with that part, as I wasn't sure I could date him due to our close friendship. It's the fact that for TWO YEARS this guy has liked me then hasn't then got mad because I was dating someone. For TWO YEARS I fought with him, was friends with him, apologized for things I don't think I should've apologized for all because he has been the ONLY one to understand me through everything. He dragged me along making, dropping all the hints to make me think he liked me, just to turn and around and talk about some other girl with me. And me being the person I am, sat back and listened, gave him advice and tried to do EVERYTHING in my power to make him happy. I put myself through hell, made myself miserable to make him happy. I bent over backwards as to not say something that would make him mad. And when he was mad, he blamed it on me most of the time, so I did everything in my power to make everything alright again. If he didn't want to talk to me, I left him alone. If he wanted to vent to someone, I was there for him to yell at, get mad at. I DID EVERYTHING. He was my best friend.I stood by as my other friends told me to give up, that he wasn't worth my time. That I deserved better both for a friend and for someone who I could date. I cried every other day at least because I was fighting with him. I got mad because I didn't want to talk about other girls with him anymore. He wouldn't listen to me when I gave him advice, so why the hell should I put the effort into helping him. He was stubborn as hell and I hated him for it. He argued everything with me, down to my favourite colour, or what I should say to a guy.I tried everything in my power to get over him, and thought I succeeded every time until me and himstarted getting close.Even after all of this crap almost everyday, I still considered him my best friend. And I think it's time that I let my friends know why.In my first year of university I went through six weeks of hell. On September 28th, 2004 my papa passed away. Exactly two weeks later a classmate of mine took her own life because she couldn't handle it anymore. Two weeks after that, I was forced to put my puppy down due to old age. I had never had to really deal with death. Like I knew people who had died, but until that year, I hadn't had to deal with people close to me dying. It sent my into a downward spiral, that I hid pretty well. Around everyone I could put on a smile and pretend my world wasn't crashing down. Add to that the fact that I was in my first year of university, with people I didn't know, in classes that were harder then any I had ever taken. I had to deal with the reality of going from having an 87% average to having a 60% average. It was not a good year for me at all. In fact, it caused me to do something things I am not proud of to this day.This is hard for me as there are only two people in my life that know about these things, one of them being the best friend, but here goes nothing. In November of 2004, I started cutting myself. The cuts were never deep, but allowed just enough pain for me to feel better. I continued that for a year, always in a different spot, never deep enough to scar. When people asked me about them, I told them I had scratched too hard.The second thing I am not proud of happened in March of 2005 I believe, right before exams. I had the worst day possible, and I was ready to give up. I had the knife beside me, and the house to myself. I was just saying my goodbyes to my friends online (they didn't know I meant forever) when my best friend's name popped up. He sent me a message and didn't want to answer, but something in me made me answer him. The next thing I knew I was crying and telling him I didn't want to live. That nothing in my life was worth anything I had gone through, and listened to me. We talked for what seemed like hours, and probably was, and I cried. He offered to come over and hang out with me for a little bit, I told him no I was ok. He made a point of coming online later that night to make sure I was still ok. I still remember the one line that made me change my mind. In the state I was in, I felt like no one would miss me, that no one would care if I did it. He said to me that he would care. That he would miss me, and that he needed me in his life. For once in that year, I felt like I could go on.That is the day he became my best friend. It was from there that things changed and we became closer.Now I can't have him in my life. Now he is the one that reminds me of the past, not the future, and everytime I think of the past. And when I think of the past I can't help but cry because I had never let myself get to that point before. I had always been kind of sad most of the time, but I had never let it get that far. It makes me mad to know I let myself get that bad, and he reminds me of that.I can say right now that I am genuinely happy with everything. I love my life, love school, and I know that people die for a reason. I have renewed my belief in God, and that has helped me a lot. But I can't keep him in my life. Because with for once in my life, I am starting to see what my other friends see. He treats me life crap every other week. Makes my life hell. When it's good, it's fine, but I can't do the fighting anymore. And no matter what we do, we cannot stop that fighting. Anyway, I'm sorry if any of that scared you guys, I really am. But I have been holding that in for a long time, and needed to get it all out.Also, if you've read my poems, most of those were written during this time I just talked about, and I no long think like that anymore.So I'm going to miss my best friend, but I'm sick of feeling like crap when he won't talk to me.