Only I can help me...

How do you figure out you are? Is it where you feel most comfortable, or is it who most people are happy with you being? Are you suppose to be out to make yourself happy or other people happy? What if it makes you happy to make everyone else happy? What if you yourself are never suppose to meet the happiness quota, but in order to keep everyone else happy you have to pretend to be happy? But the reality behind the fake smile is actually that you're angry at the world. You actually cannot stand who you've become. You've gotten so used to making everyone else happy and making sure they are never mad, that you can't come to make yourself happy. You can't actually live your life for you because then everyone might start to hate you and you cannot stand to feel that everyone hates you.

For those of you wondering where all of this has come from you can thank Joe.

The final I've got to say is I DON'T CARE!
I don't care if you hate me
I don't care if you like me
I don't care if I ever find 'The One'
I don't care if everyone else has fun in their life and I don't

All of you can just deal with it.

I'm sick of trying to make everyone happy because you know what? None of you ever care if I'm happy. Everything always has to be about you people yet when I start thinking about myself you call me selfish and stuck up.
How can I be stuck up when for 19 years of my life I have cared about only how you all felt? How is it when I'm thinking of you and only you I'm the greatest person in the world, but once I start thinking about myself and my life I become selfish?

I can't stand any of this anymore, and more and more I hate my life even though I have everything anyone would ever want.
I'm 19 years old. I've never done drugs. I've never smoked. I've only had approximately 6 drinks in my ENTIRE life. I'm a virgin and I've never even messed around with a guy. My first kiss was when I was like 16 years old and since then I've kissed 2 guys. I have a job (although not the ideal job). I'm going into my second year of university. I went through elementary and high school with no lower then a 75% in a class. I didn't fail a single course in my first year of university, although I definitely could have done better. I never got in trouble at school. I have two loving parents and a sister who loves me (although she will deny it with her entire life). I have a Jack Russel puppy. I live in a two story house. I have my own room. It's the picture perfect life.
I've been told time and time again I am the ideal daughter and yet I hate my life.

I don't know anything anymore. I've never been more confused. I have to figure all this crap out though because school starts in a week and if all of this is on my mind school is not going to be as fun.
I think maybe I'll take some advice from myself for once and just stop thinking all together. As Joe keeps telling me to: I need to just say fuck it and stop caring what everyone thinks.. So you know what. That's exactly what I'm going to do. And those of you who have just read this journal probably think I'm only doing this to make Joe happy, but that's not true.
For once in my life this is the one thing I'm doing only for myself. I need to say fuck it because until I make myself happy, I will never truly make any of you happy. So although I might actually end up caring for all of you and wanting to make you happy later on in life, I need to take a page out of the book of my Papa. He made himself happy and he still cared for everyone else. It's what made him happy, but first he had make himself happy. He had to accept himself and not worry about how everyone else perceived him. That is what I need to do right now. I mean I think I have already figured out who I actually am, but I didn't even know that until this past year. Now I need to work on being the real me around everyone, not just Amanda and Lauren because those are the only two people I can be myself around and only because they are just like me in every way.
We're the three muskateers. All for one and one for all!! lol.
And Joe, You were the inspiration to this blog, and yet I can be myself around you. I am the most self concious person around you because all I ever think about is how if I let myself be myself around you you might actually begin to hate me, and yet by hiding myself some how it all back fires on me anyway.
So the main point of all this is I'm going to be myself and not care what anyone you think.